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Aug. 4th, 2007 | 01:28 pm
mood: confusedconfused

So much has happened so fast. That's about the feeling I get from everything right now. For awhile, I believed myself to be numbed to loss, but with the passing of Genkai, something stirred in me once more. I cannot help but feel that it was unfair for her to die. There was so much left for her to do... so much that she wasn't given the chance to do. It's going to be different without her around, and I was selfish for not appreciating her while she was alive. My biggest regret, no doubt, is not showing her the gratitude that she deserved. I know that I told her thank you for everything countless times, but I wish that I had... well, you know. I know it's rather silly for me to be feeling this crushed by it all, considering so many of you were far closer to her than I...

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Jun. 11th, 2007 | 09:50 pm
mood: anxiousanxious

Looks like all my hiding out has left me a little out of the loop. I guess I didn't think that I would really be needed for anything, seeing as I am just a human after all. But I've received my money so that I may accompany the others on their journey... which I will (of course) agree to without hesitation. 

Perhaps I should attempt to stop being such a loner! Yes, imagine how many problems THAT might solve. Hmph. I wouldn't be constantly feeling like I am missing something.

Sorry everyone, I know that I am holding back the mission with my constant habit of being MIA. It shall not happen again!

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[o15] - Summer

May. 22nd, 2007 | 01:24 am
mood: peacefulpeaceful

With the coming of summer, the least I can say about my time here is that is has been nothing short of eventful. I cannot say that I did not enjoy parts of it, despite the trouble going on in the background. And I am not going to lie and say that all things here were pleasant either. I'm also VERY glad that I will get a break from school, as I have been waiting for some time to relax and start a new book that I picked up not long ago. (It's impossible to read when the teachers are handing out homework left and right!) 

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May. 16th, 2007 | 12:48 am
mood: thoughtfulthoughtful

All has been reasonably quiet. There is not much for me to say at the time being, ((you know me -- only here to complain. [I'd laugh if that weren't so true])) so this will be short.

Does anyone else feel like there is some big secret going around, but no matter how hard you try, you just cannot put your finger on it? Or maybe it's just me. I have a habit of reading into things that aren't there; paranoia. A wonderful character defect of mine, you could say.

Well, that's all for the night. I have chores to attend to, and it's already quite late.

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[o13] - Decisions

May. 7th, 2007 | 01:01 pm
mood: crankycranky

It's been quiet for so long, even Shishi's loyal fan girls have gone somewhat quiet. They hardly acknowledge me in the halls anymore, except to stare with that... fangirly... stare of theirs. I admit, it worries me. They seem to be masterminds at intimidating people, me included. I feel like they are plotting something. Still, the name of lapdog is floating around, I can sometimes catch them snickering and laughing about it, but they never confront me directly. For being so loudmouthed, the only seem to have the "ability" to do anything when their beloved Shishi is around. Hmph. Really, and they call ME a lapdog. What are they but little yippy dogs that do nothing more than sit by their master? Can you tell that I am more than irritated right now? I thought so.

My talk with Kurama has brought things into a new light. I will not say what it was that we spoke about, but with his guidance I have come to a decision about what it is that I am going to do about Shishiwakamaru. That IS if he ever turns up. Oh how horrible it is that I think these things while he is away, I must be terrible... I can tell that my mind is not always in the right place. I often times have thoughts to revenge... which I need to keep in check.

I have never really given much thought to the enemy, and the fact that they really are ALL around us. I mean, anyone could be a potential threat, and I had taken that thought lightly until recently. Who's next? Really, I mean... it very well could be anyone. And these are my friends. It never struck home until I came to terms with the fact that we are all in danger here. And though I have a power that could come in handy if needed, depending on the circumstances, I MAY or MAY NOT be able to protect myself from the enemy.

Enough of that though...
Good day everyone.

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[o12] - It's Too Quiet

May. 2nd, 2007 | 02:54 pm
mood: restlessrestless

I've noticed that Shishi has not been around school the past few days. I had just gotten the guts to show my face again, and then... well, he was NOWHERE to be seen. Even his throng of drooling fangirls are no longer as malicious. I guess they don't have much to say when Shishi is not around... which is nice. I needed the peace and quiet. I just want to go to school and get my work done. I do worry about him a little, since it really is not like him to be gone for so long. But I have been enjoying the fact that I have not had to deal with him tormenting me constantly.

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[o11] - None

Apr. 25th, 2007 | 02:11 pm

The repair work is finally done on the outer section of the temple. I am happy that is all over and done with.

I'm worried about Keiko, the "fangirls" seem to be branching off and trying to get to my friends as well.
I wish they would just stick to me, I am the one that they should hate after all. 
Keiko did nothing to deserve their rudeness. 
And if I thought telling them to back off would do any good, I would tell them in  a heartbeat... no matter what that meant for myself. 
As long as they just stay AWAY from the people I care about, I don't care what they do or say to me.

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[o1o] - Conversations

Apr. 19th, 2007 | 04:05 pm
mood: confusedconfused

I had a short conversation about the troubles at school with Botan the other day. We found a place outside of the temple and chatted for awhile. We both came to the realization that neither of us are very good at giving advice. It was tense and awkward for some time, but eventually we were both more at ease. It was very nice of her to come on such short notice to see me. Everyone always says "that's what friends are for", but I feel that I am exceptionally lucky to have met some of the people that I know now.

However, despite the lighthearted note that our conversation ended on, I am still on the fence about returning to school...or not returning. The story of my cowardice has become known around the school, and catcalls (mainly of Shishi's new nickname for me: lapdog) can be heard in the halls. There is simply no avoiding it. Which presents me with a deeper, more private issue...

Something that I do not really wish anyone to know at the time, I wouldn't want it to change the way that people look at me... Most of them don't know my history. (I like it that way)

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[oo9] - No Subject Tonight

Apr. 17th, 2007 | 01:33 am
location: Temple
mood: crappycrappy
music: Gackt - Longing

Well school was, as always, fabulous today... And if only you could understand the bitter sarcasm in that. I ran into him again... I'm still messing up somehow. And he can see it. It's as though this person can see straight through my exterior and right into my inner self.

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[oo8] - Out Of Control

Apr. 15th, 2007 | 12:28 am
mood: pensivepensive

Well, that was an eventful day to say the least. I don't think that I could have been any less prepared or more surprised... 

I had decided to give my powers another chance. I had been wrestling with myself for some days, as you have all probably seen, as to whether or not I would ever use them again. I had spent a lot of time down at the lake just mulling over everything that had happened in the past, and everything that would happen in the future as a result of what I had done and with what I was going/not going to do. Eventually, I decided to take the chance. I figured that it couldn't hurt to just try out my power one more time, to see if I still even had the ability to use my psychic energy or not. No one was around... No one would get hurt. Or so I thought.

Turns out that my power works just fine... unless of course the water is clouded and poluted with a bunch of alcohol that "mysteriously" ended up in the lake not far from Genkai's temple. The demon was completely out of my control, and the whole situation was totally out of hand. I was not expecting to have such a jarring experience the first time that I attempted to bring forth a water demon after... well, after the last time with Sensui. It caused a lot of damage to the temple... and I can see that I am going to have a lot of work to do to make up for all that destruction.

I look back at it now, and it's somewhat of a blur. I can remember running after the giant monstrosity as it plodded and wobbled it's way towards the temple... and I can remember trying to warn them not to get to close to it. But most of the events are clouded with thoughts of how angry I was at myself for letting this happen. I know now that it was not entirely my fault, but at the time... all I could think about was how I had failed, yet AGAIN.

Jin and Chuu had some pretty creative attacks... they actually began to drink my own demon! I have to admit, they did a pretty great job of weakening it. And Keiko eventually got Kuwabara to come and finish up the fight. I think that with my failing energy due to my own emotional turmoil, and the strength of his attacks, he was able to beat the thing with almost no problem. And I was finally able to heave a sigh of relief at the end of that little fiasco.

I think that it goes without saying: I am not going to use my power in an uncontrolled environment ever again. There is always going to be someone there with me that KNOWS what they are doing... and what's in the water. I don't want another dramatic repeat of that day's events. I swear, I am going to be so neurotic by the end of this. I am already pulling out my hair as I stress about the next time that I am going to have to train...

I've discovered though... that the monster is only as strong as my current mentality. I noticed that when I became faint and unsteady, the monster was easier to attack. It couldn't fight back as well. It was destroyed with ease at that point. However, when my resolve is strong, as it was on a night long ago, my monsters were also strong. Almost inpenetrable.

Sorry this is all so long. I think a good night's rest and maybe a relaxing day with a good book or a cup of tea will be the best thing for me tomorrow... or just a nice safe walk AWAY from the lake...

I think I should also get the cut on my arm checked out. It looks a little infected and I don't want it to get any worse. Maybe I will talk to Genkai about it tomorrow and see what she thinks. . . 

Somewhat Private.Collapse )

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